3 Ways Black Women from New Orleans Suck

So when you participate in discourse about the most desirable black women in the United States, you hear about Atlanta’s black women with their Georgia peaches and southern hospitality, New York black women with their sophistry and class, and Los Angeles/Cali black women with their cool demeanor and laid back attitudes. Every once in a while however, New Orleans black women would be thrown into the discussion and positive attributes such as the Creole Lady Marmalade, voodoo sex dolls, and black southern belle would be released out of someone’s mouth. Not…. so….fast, buddy.

Aside from the few things that make New Orleans black women palatable, such as being able to twerk better than possibly the entire world, wearing tight outfits with heels at the club, and being above average in looks for black women of American cities, a lot of black women in this town have negative attributes that make you want to wring their necks. Here they are:

1. The attractive black women of New Orleans don’t answer the phone/respond to texts and are super flaky

I am sure this occurs other places. However, this just does not occur as much in other places I have been. Just to recap on what I am taking about is the tendency of attractive black women from New Orleans who decide to give you their phone number but decide to not answer the call or respond to text. Even worse, women will agree on a date with you then cancel at the last-minute due to any number of reasons. Okay cool, things happen and lots of the time and she cannot meet. However, some reasons are not reasons but excuses in my opinion, such as, “i feel sick (but talking to me in a normal voice)” and “my friend is having a crisis.”  I am back in the game after a 6 year and some change LTR (long-term relationship) that went awry. The game, today, has shifted into another paradigm since I was last involved in 2008. Texting is the normal form of communication and talking on the phone is “old school.” Flakiness has increased tenfold from what I can remember. One reason I characterize the black women of New Orleans this way is because I meet black women in New Orleans who are from other cities and they don’t have these extreme flake tendencies. When I text, they text back. When I call, they pick up. When I invite them to meet up, they show up.

2. They wear too many unnecessary accessories

In America, the model of feminine desire is the thin woman with big tits and long-flowing hair. Black women can fit the thin part and even accentuate it with their own better tits and or bigger butts. However, the long-flowing hair does not occur naturally in most black women. The women who lack the ability to have this type of hair accommodate this “shortcoming” by applying relaxers into their hair even early in childhood. These relaxers are largely the culprit which causes hair problems later on in adulthood. Hence, the weave and extensions sprout up and they are here to stay. I do not have a problem with weave per se. I oftentimes do not like the way they smell. Perhaps I can invent a weave air freshener and make them smell better. I try to be empathetic as possible in regards to extensions, however, they are not as essential as black women tend to make them. Well done weaves and natural hairstyles can work well.

Weaves are not the main reason, I’m writing this, I am writing this to bring awareness to shame the use of fake eyebrows. These are the worst things to happen to the black women since Scrillex haircuts. Women in New Orleans are always striving to the be the most up-to-date in fashion which sometimes backfires. These eyelashes are not attractive at all. Take them out and throw them in the garbage.

Lastly, the amount of makeup that these women wear is disgusting. The times I have woken up beside a woman who had removed her makeup who appeared to not be the same person is astronomical. I prefer for a woman to wear minimal makeup. There’s no need to hide the acne with endless makeup. It gets on my clothes and bed sheets and is hard to wash out. We as men don’t wear that, why should you.

3. The majority of them are fat

New Orleans has unfortunately remained in the top 10 cities for highest murder rate since I was born in 1986 and a long time before that as well. The vast majority of people who die from these violent crimes are young black men from about ages 16-35. This would suggest that there are many more black females in this age range than males. The numbers suggest that this is true. This is a travesty that goes on in many major American cities, the loss of life of the black male. Also, a larger number of black males are incarcerated since they are largely the perpetrators in these crimes in New Orleans. Since a smaller number of black males exist in New Orleans due to violent crime and incarceration, there could only be a surplus of black women. That is correct but also problematic. The loss of the black male in cities across the United States is a major problem indeed. From a sexual marketplace standpoint, the black men in this age range who are not incarcerated and are alive are in a position to gain from this. Simple supply and demand economics: less males around = less competition/more males = more competition.

So getting back as to why this is problematic brings us to another dimension of the sexual marketplace of black New Orleans. Just go ahead and blame the greasy food, the carefree attitude, babies, American diet, fast food, the over-reliance on motor vehicles, poverty, the boogeyman, voodoo, Obama, or anyone else except the person in the reflection on the mirror on why in the hell there are sooooooooooooo many fat and overweight black women in New Orleans. The “advantage” in the sexual marketplace for living black men due to the decrease in males due to violent crimes and incarceration in New Orleans is negated since there are so many fat and overweight black women. Overweight and fat women are undesirable but they are aplenty in New Orleans. For you rare chubby-chasers and Shallow Hals out there, you will have a feast in New Orleans.

But guess what???? There’s a solution: Fat and overweight ladies, simply eat 25% less food than before and you will begin to lose weight and become more desirable to higher quality males. Cut your meal into four equal pieces and don’t eat one of the pieces.


If New Orleans’ black women were to resolve these three things about themselves, New Orleans will be able to again boast as having the most beautiful black women in the United States with the Creole Lady Marmalade titles among everything else. Ladies, simply fix these three things and you will get your Pelican or Saint almost instantly. Ladies, I say all this because I love you am not afraid to tell you. Now, the woman beneath this has kids what’s your excuse? Because she’s rich, no, she takes care of herself.

vanessa williams and kids



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